i need a new heart. this one's hollow. always scheming.

even though i never do this.

i feel it is necessary because i am literally going to go insane.

im not even speaking on a britney spears level.

i am speaking on an elizabeth taylor level.














ive started to go to and enjoy school.

ive realized that i have a great family and a best friend that i love.

and there are the breif moments i feel almost pretty.








but latley all of this is so trivial and fucking pointless.


to say that i am sad or anxious would be the biggest understatment to spill out of my keyboard. ever. probably out of my mush of a mind.











i used to have so much fun.

i used to be so much fun.


i feel like i have nothing to say anymore. and the words taht do stumble out of my mouth are so trite that i wouldn't blame someone for clubbing me in the face caveman style.











its like all day at school i feel fine. even if i am bored out of my mind. i like school. i need structure.


i am fine.


i am fine.

and then i go home.


do a bunch of pointless shit to get through my excuse of a day.

then i lay down at night and seriously breakdown everynight.





me and kris talk about how we arnt normal all the time.

but seriously, there is something so fucking wrong with me.











its like i depend on the hope of falling in head over fucking heels love with someone but i know i am not capable of that because i am fucking void of any normal affection.


and plus, after much analysis, i have developed many points to support the idea that love does not exist.

[not that i need any evidence. ]





in the past, well less than a year.

my mother has had a near fatal stroke.

i lost my best friend of 12 years.

and have put myself at such a distance from everyone that i feel disconnected to everyone i used to feel closest to.
but i havent showed the least bit of discomfort.













i really am on the verge of fucking tears all the time for no reason.

i know what i do. and what to look out for

and im doing what i shouldnt be.

i am replaying the songs that i used to listen to when i didnt get out of bed for days.

i am re-reading the same fucking books and poems that i memorized when i could go an entire day without having any contact with the outside world.


it is scary, but like home.




i dont even know what to do anymore.

and im so fucking tired.








this isnt some kind of suicidal confession, it is much worse.

its me feeling petrified to live everymorning.

and its me over analyzing everyone.























jesus fucking christ! i can be so needy sometimes.[all the time]

and no one can deal with that.

i can barley stand it.





its sick

its really sick.

and it has prevented me from having a serious relationship with anyone at anytime.











and it may be true that i am one of the most self-depricating people that you will ever meet.

but i cant help it.


what the fuck am i going to school for?

i dont want to do anything ever.



why do i have a job?

i spend money like its going out of style.

on the most useless things that make me happy for about...22 seconds.

and then leave me feeling more empty than before.














I am literally going insane.

I am losing my mind.











i know it probably stems from me knowing the truth about life.

but god damn, this is just getting ridiculous.














i feel like all day there is something welling up in the pit of my stomach,

and all night it pours out until i literally feel so discontented

that i cannot sit still or think a rational thought for the life of me.